In search of … the perfect human: on the campaign trail of the New Hampshire presidential primaries

1/5/08: NASHUA, N.H.: I WAS A GUEST AT AN EVENT CALLED THE "LIBERTY FORUM," ORGANIZED BY THE FREE STATE PROJECT * ...

ZZZZZZZ ...

IT WAS GREAT TO BE SURROUNDED BY SO MANY POLITICALLY LIKE-MINDED PEOPLE FOR A CHANGE, AND NEVER BE ASKED TO EXPLAIN WHY I'M "AGAINST ROADS" ...

I HAVE THE HIGHEST MEDIA PROFILE OF ALL THE CANDIDATES YOU SEE BEFORE YOU ...

MANY EXCELLENT GUEST SPEAKERS WERE IN ATTENDANCE AS WELL, THOUGH A DEBATE BETWEEN FIVE PRESIDENTIAL HOPEFULS VYING FOR THE NOD FROM THE LIBERTARIAN PARTY LEFT A LOT TO BE DESIRED ...

NO YOU DON'T! I DO!

THEY WERE A RATHER DULL AND NEBBISHY LOT, WITH THE EXCEPTION OF SPORTS HANDICAPPER AND D-LIST CELEBRITY WAYNE ALLYN ROOT, WHOSE DONALD TRUMP-LIKE SMARMINESS I AT LEAST FOUND ENTERTAINING ...

"AN ORGANIZATION WHOSE GOAL IS TO ENCOURAGE AS MANY LIBERTARIANS AS POSSIBLE TO RELOCATE TO NEW HAMPSHIRE.

TAKING ADVANTAGE OF N.H.'S "OPEN CARRY" GUN LAW

"CAP'N ROUGHSEAS"!

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BUT THAT DEBATE HARDLY MATTERED, SINCE EVERYONE WAS WAITING FOR A SPEECH GIVEN RIGHT AFTERWARD BY REP. RON PAUL. THE FORMER LIBERTARIAN PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATE AND CURRENT G.O.P. HOPEFUL ...

RON PAUL! RON PAUL! RON PAUL!

MY, SUCH AN ENTHUSIASTIC AUDIENCE ...

YOU MUST ALL REALLY LOVE LIBERTY!

YAY!

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IN FACT, MOST OF THE FORUM'S ATTENDEES WERE ALSO VOLUNTEERS FOR PAUL'S CAMPAIGN, WHICH HAD FAR EXCEEDED ANYONE'S EXPECTATIONS, FINANCIALLY AND OTHERWISE.

I PERSONALLY DON'T AGREE WITH PAUL ON EVERYTHING, PARTICULARLY HIS VIEWS ON IMMIGRATION, AND HIS DEMONIZATION OF THE FEDERAL RESERVE LEAVE'S ME BAFFLED ...

ARE YOU MAD AT FOX NEWS FOR EXCLUDING YOU FROM THE DEBATES?

NAH. THEY'RE ONLY MAKING THEMSELVES LOOK BAD ...

BESIDES NOW I CAN APPEAR ON THE TONIGHT SHOW INSTEAD!

SUCH A KINDLY OLD MAN ...

DR. PAUL! CAN I HAVE YOUR AUTOGRAPH?!

IN FULL GROUPIE MODE!

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THAT BEING SAID, HE'S THE ONLY MAJOR-PARTY CANDIDATE IN MY LIFETIME WHO TAKES HIS OAT TO UPHOLD THE CONSTITUTION SERIOUSLY. AND FOR THAT REASON ALONE I WAS MORE THAN READY TO GIVE HIM MY FULL SUPPORT.

WITH NEW HAMPSHIRE'S PRIMARY ELECTION JUST DAYS AWAY, I TOOK ADVANTAGE OF MY DUBIOUS "PRESS" CREDENTIALS AND DROVE AROUND THE STATE CATCHING AS MANY OF THE OTHER MAJOR CANDIDATES AS I POSSIBLY COULD. HIGHLIGHTS:

AN IMPROMPTU RIDE ABOARD SEN. JOHN MCCAIN'S "STRAIGHT TALK EXPRESS" BUS, WHERE HE AND HIS FELLOW SEN. LINDSAY GRAHAM EFFECTIVELY AVOIDED ANY HARD QUESTIONS BY DISTRACTING US JOURNALISTS WITH AMUSING GOSSIP AND ANECDOTES ...

HEY, LINDSAY, REMEMBER THAT BOOB OF A CONGRESSMAN FROM TENNESSEE?

WHO SHALL REMAIN NAMELESS ...

AWW! TELL US HIS NAME! PLEASE?

CAN WE AT LEAST PRETEND IT WAS FRED THOMPSON?

HAW!

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INTIMIDATED BY MCCAIN'S ICY STARE

THE MCCAIN CAMPAIGN LATER SENT ME A BILL FOR $319.65 FOR "TRAVELING EXPENSES." QUITE A PRICEY FLOOR SHOW!

THEN FRONT-RUNNER BARACK OBAMA WAS TWO HOURS LATE FOR THE RALLY I ATTENDED, WHICH SUCKED THE ENERGY OUT OF HIS NORMALLY ENTHUSIASTIC SUPPORTERS ...

MY OPPONENTS ACCUSE ME OF ENCOURAGING FALSE HOPE ...

I GUESS THAT MAKES ME A HOPEMONGER!*

REQUISITE ROWS OF MULTICULTURAL "SUPPORTERS"

SOUL SINGER POSE

* USUALLY A BIG APPLAUSE LINE

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I LATER OVERHEARD TWO WOMEN SAY THEY WERE GOING TO SWITCH THEIR SUPPORT TO JOHN EDWARDS, SOLELY DUE TO OBAMA'S TARDINESS. SUCH FICKLE VOTERS IN THIS STATE!

NEXT UP WAS EDWARDS HIMSELF, WHO SOUNDED LIKE HE WAS RUNNING FOR AMBULANCE CHASER IN CHIEF, WITH HIS ENDLESS PARADE OF FORMER CLIENTS TESTIFYING TO THE PURELY EVIL INTENTIONS OF INSURANCE COMPANIES ...

I'LL NEVER FORGET WHAT THE TURKS DID TO MY PEOPLE ...

AND I'LL NEVER FORGET HOW CIGNA KILLED MY DAUGHTER!

PEOPLE, ONE DAY YOU MAY WAKE UP WITH A LUMP IN YOUR BREAST LIKE MY WIFE LIZ DID ...

THAT'S WHEN YOU'LL NEED SOMEONE LIKE ME TO FIGHT, FIGHT, FIGHT FOR YOUR RIGHTS!

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PIMP THAT CANCER, JOHNNY-BOY! TO HIS CAMPAIGN'S CREDIT, THE ITALIAN FOOD IN THE PRESS ROOM WAS EXCELLENT.

SEN. CLINTON (ONE HOUR LATE!) SPOKE IN A DELIBERATE I'LL-SAY-THIS-NICE-AND-SLOW-SO-THAT-EVEN-THAT-DUMBEST-AMONG-YOU-WILL -UNDERSTAND-ME-STYLE, AS SHE VOWED TO TAKE THE CONSTITUTION OUT OF "COLD STORAGE" ...

--SENATOR CLINTON? I-0 SQUEEE!

UGH! PLEASE, USE YOUR INDOOR VOICE!*

HA HA!

* THE MANY SCHOOLMARMS IN ATTENDANCE LOVED THIS JOKE.

?!? NICE BUTT!

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AND THEN VOWED TO RE-FUND PLANNED PARENTHOOD'S OVERSEAS PROGRAMS. FREE CONDOMS FOR KENYANS: IT'S IN THE CONSTITUTION, DUMMIES!

THE "CHUCK AND HUCK SHOW" KEPT A VFW HALL FULL OF REDNECKS THOROUGHLY ENTERTAINED--FIRST WITH CHUCK NORRIS' TOUGH GUY ANECDOTES, FOLLOWED BY GOVERNOR HUCKABEE ROCKING OUT WITH A LOCAL BUTT ROCK BAND ...

ROCK ON GOV!

BASS SOLO!

... SWEET HOME, ALABAMA ...

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MIKE HUCKABEE HAS A VERY PLEASANT DEMEANOR, WHICH ALMOST MAKES ONE FORGET THAT HE'S A NIGHT MARISH CROSS BETWEEN AN APOCALYPTIC RELIGIOUS NUT NEOCON AND A RIGHTS-VIOLATING NANNY-STATE DICTATOR. ROCK ON, GOV!