Expert advice on relationships: Dr. Joyce answers yur questions about marriage and dating and romance

Q I am a saved, 50-year-old educated woman and have a nice career. I am independent and attractive (really!). I have a nice home and do well for myself. I have two boys at home, one a senior in high school getting ready for college and the other 10 years old (son of my deceased daughter). I was divorced in 2005 and want to go on with my life. I live in a small town in Texas where there are no Black men! I often feel so lonely. I volunteer in my community and church, but that is not filling the void. I do not have the options of hand dancing, ballroom dancing (which I'd love) or belly dancing (recommendations that Dr. Joyce made to a woman in a similar situation). They just don't do that in this community. To start a book club would only pull together yet another group of women. I don't intend to sound hopeless, but do you have any suggestions?

Feeling Lonely in Texas

Sounds like you are in the wrong place at this time in your life. If you are going to get the things you want and need out of life, you need an attitude change and a location change. If there are no single Black men in your town, consider men of other hues and races. If that is out of the question, consider relocating. You are educated, have skills and apparently have managed your money well. You should seek opportunities for you and your boys in other areas. Working on a political campaign might provide you more contact with men. Also find out if there is an NAACP or an Urban League chapter near you. If so, volunteer. To achieve your goals, you must make changes in your life and attitude. Get moving.

Q I hope and pray that you can help me. I have been married for 20 years. My mother-in-law has never liked me. My husband and I have three children who have grown up and moved out. The problem is that my mother-in-law has retired and moved in with us. I have gotten to the point that I am seriously thinking about divorcing my husband. He doesn't see that there is any kind of a problem. My mother-in-law has told other family members that this is her son's house and that is why she is going to stay. I feel that if she really loves her son, I she would not have brought such turmoil into our home. My husband and I fight more now than we have in the entire 20 years of our marriage. Please help me.

Miserable in Michigan

It is unfortunate that at a time in your life when you could kick back and enjoy the fruits of your labor, you have an unwanted person in your home wreaking havoc on your marriage. Apparently your husband did not heed the line in the wedding vows that mentioned "forsaking all others." And your mother-in-law feels entitled to your husband and your home. I recommend that before you walk away, develop a strategy that will make you a winner. Your home is as much yours as it is your husband's. So enjoy it. Mentally, put your mother-in-law in a "never-mind" place and be good to yourself. If you need guidance in how to win, in how to put your mother-in-law in "never-mind" and how to be good to yourself, consult a mental health professional. Don't let your mother-in-law run you away from what is yours--your home and your husband. Find a way to stop being miserable. Life is too short.

Q MY male friend and co-worker is separated from his wife and has been riving with me for a year. We sleep in the same bed, and most times we eat together and take vacations together. Our co-workers think we're a couple. I try to correct them, but they don't believe me, and he does nothing to correct the situation. He's reaping the benefits of being the man, yet he's not. I actually care for this man--I think more than I should. I feel like I'm being used though our relationship is platonic. Am I putting more into this friendship than I need to? He actually has a problem with a guy I date and with my children's father, to the point of wanting to fight them. I pay all the bills. He gives me money when he wants to, says he's repairing his credit so he can build a house and I can live with him.

Bewildered in D.C.

Bewildered, you need a serious reality check. If you eat with him, sleep in the same bed with him and travel with him, it is not a platonic relationship. If you pay all the bills while he repairs his credit and saves for a house, his house, you are indeed being used. He's a married man and has the gall to want to fight the man you sometimes date and the father of your children. Get a grip! This man is wrecking your life, yet he is doing no more than you allow him to do. Stop being bewildered and get some help immediately. Get this man out of your bed, out of your house and out of your life.

--Joyce Hamilton Berry, Ph.D., is a clinical psychologist with offices in Washington, D.C., and Columbia, Md.

COPYRIGHT 2008 Johnson Publishing Co.
COPYRIGHT 2008 Gale, Cengage Learning